Transactional Sex

I just had the worst sex of my life and it was with someone so physically beautiful, which is what makes me all the more baffled and emotional at present.

This person was an old friend of mine, someone I used to party with back in the day. He is model-fine, very successful, and, well, a dick, or...well, we just don't jibe sexually. I was desperate and he may be a sex addict. I made it very clear what I wanted: I needed to be fucked. Well, I got what I thought I needed (so wanted?) and it did nothing. For one, it didn't last that long and secondly,  there was no foreplay involved. Sure, I sucked his dick a bit and it was annoying as I often find that act to be (sorry penis owners!), but there was no exchange of fluids.

This whole experience has shaken my shallow self to the core.  I want to be loved, adored, taken care of. I want to feel safe.

We didn't kiss. That's what it was...oh, it was awful. I never want to do something like that again.

Thank you blogosphere for being there when no one else is. It feels so self-serving and I wish I had more to offer.

Things are rarely the way you imagine them in NYC, at least this has been experience as a native recently re-transplanted after 8 yrs elsewhere. I've been here for a wee over 9 months now and my experience has been, well, hellacious. Pummeled, bruised, so tired, NYC grinds me to a pulp. I grind myself to a pulp. I smoke too much. I'm always high on pot.

It wasn't always this way.

I don't know how nomadic this is, apologies if I'm not living up to the name. I will be going to Venice for a few days in October for the biennale! Yay, my new job kicks ass!

It's 5 to midnight. Another night fucked. I got fucked tonight and nothing has changed. I need love, friends, companionship. More of a Life...

I was always partial to Joey, the hot tomboy (swoon)

where'd everyone go?

I have somehow managed to make it to a point in life where I have no best friend, no confidante. To me, it feels like a slow death and I wish, sometimes, that death would take away this pain. Suicide's too annoying and, besides, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, though the way I feel at this very moment: so alone, so craving compassion, the warmth of a human touch, it's disgusting in its desperation. Put the bag over my head and pump the helium or whatever. C'mon...

Puhleeze!!! I know now THAT'S entertainment! I would never do it, just know (at least I really don't think I would)

Okay I've even begun to bore myself. No. Seriously. I was trying to make a video so that you could see that I'm pretty but wouldn't be able to identify me (Oh my!). It's a lot more than just sunglasses buddy.

Adventures in Booty Call Land

Ladies and gentlemen, have I been on a dry spell. Haven't experienced this kind of drought since the '90s! Here we are almost touching August and I've yet to have sex at all this year. Of course, I mean with another person. Masterbation is another post entirely...

                                                         Gobi Desert, Mongolia aka my sex life

I am what I think most people would think of as "pretty," maybe even "beautiful," definitely a wee "exotic." I am a cute 30-something, good weight (average but more on the voluptuous side), petite Latina. I've never had  to seek out booty. I wonder if it has to do with my age? I haven't felt this horny this often ever...

                                                Couple in Orgasm from some random site (daydreams...)

Anyway, I'm a wreck right now because my weekend, more or less, went to shit in the pursuit of booty. I'm pursuing an old friend (as is my single-lady-with-no-prospects-MO) and he is a flaky piece of shit that already has a girlfriend, so what the fuck am I doing? I don't like being backed up like this. I need human caress. Even more than that, I need more friends. I need people. My phone does not ring often. My inner circle consists of my older sister: that's it. I have a decent middle circle (thank goodness, I guess).

                                             Big ups to the middle circle!!! Hey! Hoe!

I don't know how to not be needy. I mean, I want people in my life. I love being social. I need to get out of this. Too much time alone means too much time in my head means more depression and anxiety. It's a vicious cycle. Oh baby, you spin me right 'round baby right 'round like a record baby 'round 'round 'round 'round.

Mr. Booty Call called me when I was sitting by the edge of Prospect Park Lake, crying my brains out and wishing for death, wishing for solitude, complete and total ...

                                                               Crying a Lake for You by Alive5

And now for a brief aside...

(I'm in a sublet, shared w two other bitches right now, totally sucks ass. I'm too Diva, too damn grown to be dealing with roommates, sorry! Maybe this seems antithetical to my whole wanting-to-have-more-friends-schpiel but trust. Though I could use more friends, roommate-situation is not the answer. I gain too much strength from my alone time. I need that in order to be the best person I can be!)

Anyway, so Mr. Booty Call rings and I'm in no state to answer the phone and come across as calm, cool, collected, normal, so I let it go to voicemail. He leaves a message about how he has a sore throat and is going to the store to get something and that he would call me later. After I've had a few minutes to compose myself, I call him back, no one answers. I don't bother leaving a voice message. Then, I arrive home via my sweet sweet ride. (A lovely 1970s blue and white vintage Peugeot 10-speed! Super sweet n sick.) I send him a text message, that was about an hour ago. No word. Nothing. I'm gonna stop. I'm stopping.

If a blog is written, but no one reads it...

I know, I'm a dime a dozen. I start something I just can't finish. I'm not committed. I'm uninteresting, but here's hoping not for long!

I feel like things have started to turn around. I start a new job in two weeks, one I'm very excited about, that affords opportunities to travel, both locally and internationally! It also involved prestige, some management and working with students, all things I've thorougly enjoyed in the past.

My life is in an in-between place and has been for about nine months, but with this new job and a new apartment on the horizon (okay so I need to find one, but I will by September's start!) I am hopeful that I will begin to build more of a life. I mean, the basic building blocks: good job, cool apartment, friends, love, etc etc I'm open and welcome to it...

BUT RIGHT NOW....

I want to have sex with my niece's friend! He is nine years my junior, fine as hell, young, dumb, and full of ... you know, a lady never tells! Hahahaha I have yet to have sex this year and it's not really my style. Wish me luck! Whether I'm robbing the craddle or holding out for someone my age, send those good vibes! OH!

Is there anybody OUT there?

Hey, I want this blog to be anonymous, so if you like know who I am, holla! It's nothing personal. Maybe after we get to know each other a little better? For now, you can call me Lava. I'll promise not to be a wet blanket all the time and post some fun stuff XOXO

itchy skin and nasty habits

You need to listen to your body. It has subtle (and sometimes not so subtle!) ways of getting your attention. I've lived back in NYC (born n raised in Bklyn, but haven't lived here in about eight years) now for about seven months. I moved back from San Francisco, where I'd been living for five and a half years or so. Before that, I was going to grad school at UNH. AnyHOO, I fear I should have stayed in SF, here's why....

NYC...

makes me itchy! I've had itchy skin since moving back and have retarded lil scars to prove it. I don't know why. Maybe it's something about the water? Maybe I need to switch soaps? I was using a more sensitive skin soap in SF? Maybe I'm just a nervous wreck?

makes me want a cigarette! Despite the fact that they cost like $25! (just kidding, a steal at about $12 for my American Spirit Yellows) It's the most nasty and ridiculous of habits and the yoga-bag-totin', healthy-dietin-havin' moi de SF would turn her nose up in disgust!

makes isolation a breeze! I need to get a social life. Seriously. I've never had such a total lack of like real social life. I have close family (sisters) and a smattering of chill peeps I consider good friends, but they don't like "know-me, know-me." I spend most of my free time smoking weed, which is my gnarliest habit of all. I thought I would not smoke as much in NYC b/c of the price and quality of pot but ya know what? NYC really does have it all and getting pretty darn, good comparable to SF medical grade bud in NYC is a snap if you gots the right connects.

depresses me. Too few trees, no real nature, the urban jungle. I think I prefer the real jungle. I miss terribly how beautiful SF was, how delicious the food was, things that were just glorious. NYC help! I'm not finding your groove!

I'm sure I could go on but it's getting late and I do need to get my beauty rest. Another rainy night tonight. I'm putting all my delusions out there. I'm going to just write this blog and see what happens. Does anyone care? Will I find what I'm looking for? Will I survive my shite job? Will I move back to SF? Find out on the next EXCITING installment of the grass is greener XOXO