Transactional Sex

I just had the worst sex of my life and it was with someone so physically beautiful, which is what makes me all the more baffled and emotional at present.

This person was an old friend of mine, someone I used to party with back in the day. He is model-fine, very successful, and, well, a dick, or...well, we just don't jibe sexually. I was desperate and he may be a sex addict. I made it very clear what I wanted: I needed to be fucked. Well, I got what I thought I needed (so wanted?) and it did nothing. For one, it didn't last that long and secondly,  there was no foreplay involved. Sure, I sucked his dick a bit and it was annoying as I often find that act to be (sorry penis owners!), but there was no exchange of fluids.

This whole experience has shaken my shallow self to the core.  I want to be loved, adored, taken care of. I want to feel safe.

We didn't kiss. That's what it was...oh, it was awful. I never want to do something like that again.

Thank you blogosphere for being there when no one else is. It feels so self-serving and I wish I had more to offer.

Things are rarely the way you imagine them in NYC, at least this has been experience as a native recently re-transplanted after 8 yrs elsewhere. I've been here for a wee over 9 months now and my experience has been, well, hellacious. Pummeled, bruised, so tired, NYC grinds me to a pulp. I grind myself to a pulp. I smoke too much. I'm always high on pot.

It wasn't always this way.

I don't know how nomadic this is, apologies if I'm not living up to the name. I will be going to Venice for a few days in October for the biennale! Yay, my new job kicks ass!

It's 5 to midnight. Another night fucked. I got fucked tonight and nothing has changed. I need love, friends, companionship. More of a Life...

I was always partial to Joey, the hot tomboy (swoon)

where'd everyone go?

I have somehow managed to make it to a point in life where I have no best friend, no confidante. To me, it feels like a slow death and I wish, sometimes, that death would take away this pain. Suicide's too annoying and, besides, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, though the way I feel at this very moment: so alone, so craving compassion, the warmth of a human touch, it's disgusting in its desperation. Put the bag over my head and pump the helium or whatever. C'mon...

Puhleeze!!! I know now THAT'S entertainment! I would never do it, just know (at least I really don't think I would)

Okay I've even begun to bore myself. No. Seriously. I was trying to make a video so that you could see that I'm pretty but wouldn't be able to identify me (Oh my!). It's a lot more than just sunglasses buddy.